RCS – Business Default

I often hear the following phrases: I do everything, but it’s never good enough! Others work half as much, but are more valuable, I do everything, but nothing. Slovenians even have a saying that kindness is an orphan. Is it really that easy?

It is interesting that people often describe as ‘good’ someone who is always available to others, who is always helpful, who often agrees, who is gentle, gentle, pleases others, serves you, does everything for you. In short, he is completely focused on making everyone around him happy. Usually, such a description ends something like this: But everyone always falls for this poor man/this poor girl. Kindness is indeed an orphan.

The hardest thing in the world is to explain to a good person that he is responsible for his own condition. This is very difficult for him to grasp. It’s really hard to understand why people are mean to you when you’re so good to them.

What does this look like in practice?

Imagine two flowers. In the beginning, they are the same, they have the same pots, the same soil, the seedling is from the same greenhouse. They have the same foundations. One says ME, one says OTHERS. The person taking care of it only has one watering can available per week to water both flowers.

So a person who is good will always be watering the dish of OTHERS. What will happen to the flower in this pot? It is exposed to the sun, regularly groomed, cared for and watered regularly. It will bloom, won’t it? Do you still remember the pot marked JAZ? There is not much, if any, water left for the flower in the JAZ pot. What will happen to this flower? Who is thinking about her? Who gives her attention? Who waters it?

It’s the same with people. People who are “good” care so much about others that they forget to care about themselves. The proverb itself says that such a person is hurt in the end, because this kindness is usually not returned to him. Goodness is an orphan. An orphan is an abandoned child, left to fend for himself, no one cares for him. We usually feel sorry for the orphan, but we do nothing more for him than leave him to the system or fate. It’s the same with good people. We take what they offer us, but we don’t think much about what they themselves need. Because we think that they are completely undemanding and that they do not need anything for themselves. After all, they always give attention to others. They never say to expect anything.

People we respect are usually self-confident, respectful of others, but also people who have clear boundaries. They say clearly and loudly what they want, what they don’t like, what they don’t want. You know the rules of the game with them and relationships with them are easy. These are not people who demand from you attention that they are not ready to give themselves.

Good people often expect the people around them to know what they need. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. If you don’t tell people what you want, they won’t know.

What to do if you feel that people are taking advantage of you?

If you feel that people are taking advantage of you, first look at yourself. If you feel like you are giving too much and that you are not appreciated, ask yourself why you are giving too much. What do you really want? Is this a confession? Praise? What is it that drives you to give it your all? Once you discover this, learn to give yourself that praise, recognition, value. Honestly and from the heart. This does not mean that you will list out loud what everything and how well you did. In this way, you always seek the attention of the people around you. When you truly know that you are good, that you are doing well, that you have given yourself recognition, you will be able to say no. The more you value yourself, the less you need attention and validation from others. They will drain you less. You will be less available. They will appreciate you more. Don’t be too hard on yourself when evaluating, it’s about finding out the situation without beating yourself up and making yourself feel bad. Once you know where the reason lies within you, you will be able to take the next step.

Start setting boundaries. What does that mean?

Yes, but sometimes you say no. To sometimes take time for yourself. To say what you want, what you want, what others should do for you. To let yourself be helped. To let people spoil you. To sit down for a coffee sometime instead of rushing from errand to errand. To read a book. To go for a walk. To watch a movie sometime, even though the dishes are still dirty. That sometimes you go home, even if everything is not done yet. To allow others to make a mistake. They will never learn if you are constantly correcting them or doing the work for them. To let others take responsibility for their tasks. You do your thing.

Going back to the orphan. What does he want most in the world? Home and family, someone to take care of her. So he wants attention, love, everything, in fact, that he gives to others. However, it is often the case in life that we only have access to the flower pot of ME, we can nurture ourselves and give ourselves what we think others should give us. We tell others what we want.

The lesson of the story with flowers is that you need to water and take care of your own as well and above all. If we take care of ourselves in a nurturing way, we will be able to give just the right amount to others, and others will take just the right amount from us to support each other. Whenever the relationship is balanced, the feeling is good, there are no resentments. Whenever you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, ask yourself why. Start with yourself. Progress slowly, praising yourself every time you manage to say no. I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t happen overnight, but in a month it will be better, in two even more, in a year the change will be very big.