RCS – Business Default

What makes us happy?
 It is common to divide the answer to this question into two: material and immaterial, with the emphasis that the immaterial makes us significantly happier than the material, since material goods are of a transitory nature, while virtues are supposed to be permanent. It seems to me that it is worth looking into this question in a little more detail. I myself believe that everything that brings us closer to ourselves, that fulfills our purpose in this world, makes us happy. To live fully, authentically in accordance with oneself, in peace and harmony with the world. In this case, it is immaterial whether we achieve this with material or non-material means.

It’s like the five languages ​​of love: all languages ​​indicate the openness of our heart, all prove that we care about the loved one, that we invest ourselves in the relationship, regardless of whether 1. we spend time together, 2. we are verbal intimate, by telling this person how we love him/her, how we feel, what we are experiencing, 3. bring flowers, warm socks, contribute to the hairdresser or come up with another gift, 4. do something for him/her, cook him/her lunch , washing the car, proofreading the thesis, 5. Touching him/her in ways that express affection and acceptance: gentle, loving, passionate, playful… All these ways are equal, even though some are maternal and others are not, and it’s wonderful , if we can do everything. But many times, and here I see the connection with today’s topic, what gets stuck is because we have prejudices about what is appropriate, how much is allowed, and fears about what will happen if we completely surrender to a love relationship.

What prevents us from being happy?
 Since there are sayings that make us as happy as there are people, I would prefer to collect them in large groups.

The most important obstacle to happiness is the belief that we need something outside of us to be happy. Either things, circumstances or people. All sentences of the type, when I will…, I will be happy belong here. Will I be happy if…

Another big obstacle is the belief that we don’t deserve happiness, that something will go wrong if everything goes well.

I remember a client who came to me for a year and a half and worked very diligently on himself, his negative beliefs, fears, behavioral patterns that hindered him in life. After a few months of regular weekly visits, he noticed progress. When he became aware of and expressed his negative emotions, emotions such as joy, self-pride, enthusiasm began to return to his life. And when I’m sitting across from someone, I can feel what’s going on inside them. I felt joy in him for the first time, but he couldn’t express it, because he was afraid that I would be disappointed later when he felt bad again. The belief behind it is: do not praise the day before the evening, or rather, before you can look forward to something, you must be able to ensure that it is permanent.

And this is exactly the biggest problem for most people. We would like to acquire and retain. Which is not possible. Because it means that we are going against the flow of life. The very nature of life is such that it changes.

Just like the seasons that come and go, feelings, emotions, relationships, people come and go. There is a right time and place for everything in life. Just like in our body. We all understand that food will have to be pooped once, but we don’t stop eating. But we stop rejoicing because we are afraid that we will not be happy forever. We dare not be happy because it may not last forever. In this way, we cause life to pass us by, and we accumulate disappointments, resentments, fears, feelings of being cheated, lost, missed.

So what do we need for happiness?
 The more I deal with it, the more I feel awareness is key. Because life is not a straight line, everything around us is not rosy all the time, and sometimes it seems to me that people are in the world to solve problems, or we face challenges. We cannot expect something from the outside to make us happy without creating the conditions for ourselves. And awareness is a key condition.

We can have everything we’ve ever wanted, but we’re not happy because we focus our awareness on the one thing that’s not quite to our taste. If we are fully aware of how great a gift it is to be alive, we can be happy, or at least satisfied and reassured despite the fact that the person closest to us has just died, or that we have been unemployed for several years. Of course, we are also sad, sometimes angry, maybe the thought of the future scares us, all this is human, but the awareness that we are alive, what we still have, who we all are, and that tomorrow is a new day, is enough, to feel satisfaction.

Looking more technically, we absolutely need a fairly good energy flow to be happy. By this I do not mean perfect health, although that would be ideal, but a certain amount of vitality. This gives us deep and slow breathing, a healthy and moderate diet, a moderate amount of movement and good sleep. To ensure vitality, we need to get rid of the harmful beliefs I talked about earlier. With the knowledge we have at this moment, we can fulfill most of the conditions on our own (or with the help of a therapist). Some even say that these five conditions are sufficient for happiness to come by itself.

What about the role of relationships?
 Humans are relational beings before we become thinking. Relationships are extremely important for our whole life. And there really is no better experience than having genuine contact with another human being. It is wonderful when we ourselves feel happiness or calmness and harmony with life. But it’s even more wonderful to share it.

Can we make each other happy?
 Unfortunately, too many times we expect other people to make us happy, or that we will be happy if we make others happy and then we are disappointed. We all have the experience of how difficult it is to make someone who is unhappy happy? As a psychologist, many men ask me how to make a woman happy. And I admit that this question is very difficult, if not impossible, to answer. Maybe that’s why I know so many men who quit. Most of us women don’t even know what we really want. And I don’t know anyone who would be really happy with a better car, nicer clothes and cosmetics. A house is a more multifaceted matter, because it is about the way of life it offers, but what we imagined as girls when we wanted to be princesses, external things will not give us. What is it really about? Men intuitively feel how important it is to have a happy woman by their side. I hope that by now every viewer can conjure up their own image of a happy woman. What does all this entail? We know that good will in the home, right? A warm welcome, a soft hand, happy children, good relations with neighbors, grandparents, father-in-law and mother-in-law… A happy woman makes a man happy just by accepting him.

If he’s a happy man, it doesn’t have such all-encompassing implications. Of course, that’s better than him being unhappy too, but he’s always missing something.

What is it that women want?
 What do women fundamentally want? To be treated as princesses with the rights of a common free woman. But a man must know that he is not omnipotent when it comes to making a woman happy. A free and happy woman has always been a threat to the patriarchal order, so different cultures have been systematically working to reduce this phenomenon for thousands of years with various crimes against women, such as reducing them to property, beatings, chain fertilization, etc. Today’s women still carry all this in the collective unconscious, so you modern men do not have an easy task. There is nothing wrong with both partners seeking professional help with this project. Increasing happiness and satisfaction in a lasting relationship is the best investment we can make in life.

How does this pay off?
 When we are old and infirm, our children will be happy to visit us if we have provided them with a warm home. Otherwise, they will come to see us out of a sense of duty and guilt. In old age, marriage will be a safe refuge and comfort in the face of all illnesses only if we have cultivated a loving, satisfying relationship. Otherwise, partners in their fifties usually grind each other to the bone, or they become very estranged and are together only because they are useful to each other. But can being useful to someone else make you happy? It may comfort, but it can usually make us really happy if we bring joy to another, if our presence enriches another, if another’s face breaks out into laughter when he sees us or thinks of us.

What is important in a relationship?
 I think it’s important in a relationship, but I often don’t see it, that we trust each other, allow ourselves to be who we are, and take our time. Many couples miss the essence of the relationship from the very beginning, they want to show themselves as good as possible in front of the other and they ambitiously start organizing their lives, typically creating a nest, then filling the nest, forgetting about themselves and each other. Most of the time, relationships are better when a couple after marriage (or despite living together) still goes on a date once a week to keep things fresh and aware that we are valuable to each other. Stopping, looking at yourself, looking into the other’s eyes, asking honestly what I need, telling honestly how I feel, accepting myself, accepting the other, even though we are not perfect, this more than anything measurable and obvious, forms a quality relationship.

How about luck with children?
 Although more and more restless children are born who have difficulty falling asleep, sleep little, vomit the food they eat and cry a lot, we as humanity still have a clear idea of ​​a typical baby. He cries when he’s hungry, when he’s fed, he falls blissfully asleep. Sometimes he stares a little into his mother’s eyes and grabs his father’s shoulders, but mostly he eats and sleeps. This is a happy child. When he needs something, he asks for it, when he gets it, he is satisfied. The basic pattern is: I need – I ask – I get – I satisfy. Later, due to growing abilities, they join this pattern: please + find or make it myself, but it is essential to maintain a natural contact with the need, with feelings and emotions. Such children are mostly happy. If they are not, you can hear them from afar, but it doesn’t take long because they are already looking for a way to solve the problem.

It went wrong in the old days, because they couldn’t get what they needed: from food to mom, because there was a shortage, but today it has turned into such an overabundance that children can’t even feel their need, but it is already satisfied. Whether it is satisfied adequately or not is again a question, but the basic problem is that children do not have the opportunity to come into contact with the need, because it is satisfied before it arises. The next problem is that even if they get in touch with themselves, they don’t learn to express it because it’s not necessary. Mother (grandmother, father…) reads their minds. And the third part of the problem: they don’t learn to do it themselves, to be satisfied with themselves, because everyone around them is doing it. In this way, an “oversatisfied” child does not satisfy even the basic need: to be in contact with himself, nor the following: to develop, nor the following: to be independent, responsible, which are prerequisites for being free. It’s been like this for 30 years, since we’ve been ruled by overabundance, industry, science and technology, so that we have unhappy youths who would just play games, watch TV and wander around. Even that wouldn’t make them happy.

Any other recommendations?
 One of the common denominators of happy people is responsibility. A matter of doing what I can. And the awareness that I am not omnipotent and that life and society do not owe me anything. Then we can be grateful for everything good that happens and we are spared the bad. When we know we’ve done our part, we can sit back in peace and enjoy life, whatever it is.