RCS – Business Default

We all get angry – anger is one of the basic human emotions – but we show it to different degrees and in different ways. How much and how depends on our character, the circumstances that provoked the negative emotion, upbringing and, last but not least, social rules. For example, in our society, open and rude expression of anger is more acceptable for men than for women, it is more appropriate for them to use language, and children are more likely to look through their fingers if they squeal and scream out of anger than for adults.

Due to such criteria, which see anger as something inappropriate, shameful and even evil, this emotion is associated with feelings of guilt, shame and fear for many. Because of this, we repress and oppress it from a young age, which – seemingly paradoxically – causes it to express itself in less appropriate ways and when we least need it.
 Fight or flight

Evolutionarily speaking, anger is a response to a perceived threat from the environment. When we feel threatened or attacked, the hormones adrenaline and norepinephrine are released, which trigger many bodily changes. Blood pulse and pressure rise, muscles tense up, we are less sensitive to pain, a wave of energy and excitement overwhelms us – the body is thus prepared either to face danger or to run away from it.

Outwardly, this first manifests itself with facial expressions and body language, and then with actions: with physical and verbal violence. Just as a dog with bared jaws and growling warns that it will bark if we don’t leave it alone, so we also show others with anger that we feel attacked.

We express it either actively or aggressively or passively. The first method involves threats, insults, physical violence and intimidation, while the second involves more covert and deliberate expressions, such as critical remarks, making, provoking, emotional coercion, involving third parties in the situation, and the like.Anger is also accompanied by changes in thinking, as our ability to think soberly and judge is clouded, and we can only consciously control our behavior with difficulty. Many studies have shown that angry people have poorer concentration, have a harder time weighing arguments and are more likely to fall for lies, although on the other hand they are more distrustful. In addition, they underestimate the danger and overestimate their abilities, as a result of which they engage in more risky activities than otherwise. Another important feature of angry thinking is that we tend to think of someone who has put us in such a mood because of their character and not, say, because of an unfavorable set of circumstances.

A chain of causes

As we mentioned, the basic form of anger is an impulse for self-preservation in the face of threat. Its derivative is anger, which comes not when we are supposed to be threatened, but when it seems to us that someone only has the intention of threatening us. For example, we don’t get angry at a driver who forces the right of way in front of us at an intersection because he endangered us with his driving, but because he could do it. But it is necessary to know that the perceived threat itself is not necessarily a direct attack on us, which would actually take our lives or those close to us. We also get angry when our self-esteem, sense of self-worth, pride, values, beliefs or possessions are (or feel) attacked. Because of these reasons, we can get angry over perfectly small things, such as a nail driven sideways into a board.

But it’s not all that simple: when, for example, we get so angry at a twisted nail that we foam at the mouth, there is probably some other reason behind it, or a whole chain of them. For example, a husband who comes home from work and yells at his wife for oversalted soup was just taking out his anger on her because he was scolded by his boss at work. His criticism, for example, came alive to him because it reminded him of his father, for whom his achievements were never good enough. Anger is almost never the primary emotion – although it may seem to arise in the moment in response to provocation – but behind it lie other emotions such as dissatisfaction and fear, which only open the door to them.

The third form of anger is more related to a violent character: it is a quarrelsome, resentful, irritable and aggressive personality who waits for conflicts or initiates them himself in order to experience anger. Why would anyone want that?

Simply because many people find anger pleasurable and are practically addicted to it. He likes the rush of energy it brings with him and the destructive behavior, plus the hormone norepinephrine acts as a pain reliever. On the other hand, he is fueled by subjugating others with words or actions, and in this way, he can see the problems he has with himself.

With less extreme forms of angry character, it is mostly about people who often feel some kind of deficit in their lives – be it in the field of career or in partner relationships. They use anger to heal the pain of feeling ignored and rejected by others, insignificant and powerless. If we really feel good in our own skin, then we draw self-affirmation from ourselves and can admit to ourselves that we are imperfect, but therefore not inferior. However, those who depend on the approval of others do not tolerate criticism and other external imaginary threats well. With anger, he – at least temporarily – regains his sense of self-worth. Still others use her to create an invisible wall around them and prevent others from getting too close to them emotionally. Such people seem to use their anger to prevent others from seeing their weak points and possibly taking advantage of them.

Erupt or redirect?

Anger should be expressed and not repressed – most experts agree on this – but in an appropriate, if not constructive, at least harmless way, they warn.

Many self-help manuals advocate the theory of catharsis or spiritual cleansing, according to which we need to release our anger so that it does not linger inside us and slowly poison us. This explanation compares a person to a pressure cooker: if we do not regularly release negative emotions little by little through the valve of the pot, they will accumulate, and eventually the pressure will become so unbearable that we will explode in a wild rage.

When “opening the valves”, however, we do not direct our anger at the person we are angry at, nor at others who are unsuspecting in the vicinity, but choose a substitute object. John Lee, author of the book Facing the Fire, recommends that when we are very angry with someone, we get a punching bag or pillow, imagine the face of the person who pissed us off on it, and start punching with all our might. There are many other similar tips: take a doll, curse and hit it at will, go somewhere alone and scream at the top of your voice, put all violent and destructive thoughts on paper and put them off your shoulders, go for a run or we lift weights and the like.

The first problem with such strategies is that they are not always convenient. If, for example, we get angry at a colleague in the office, we will not immediately drive home to beat the pillow or look for the nearest forest to scream our lungs out.

So openly venting your anger doesn’t help everyone. How, then, to extinguish inflamed negative emotions, if, for example, hitting the pillow innocently can only intensify them? Bushman recommends that we do not choose substitute targets for anger, but rather substitute activities that have nothing to do with the situation that provoked it and that relax us. Pick up a book, go for a walk or listen to music. Sometimes it’s enough to step away for a few minutes alone and take a few deep breaths, but we no longer understand why we were so furious just a few moments ago over some little thing. The mentioned activities will not release the anger, but they will cool us down and prepare us to be able to express it in a more appropriate way.

The art of arguing

The best and most difficult way to express anger is to calm down, take time to think, find the real cause of our negative feelings and soberly deal with it, either in your head or with someone else.

This kind of approach is difficult – especially when it comes to an argument with someone, because anger clouds our judgment and thinking, forces us to act recklessly emotionally, and fills us with the preconceived notion that they are completely justified, while the other person is wrong or out to harm us.

Since anger is hard to control once it hits us, it is good to be prepared for it. With practice, we can learn how to better handle situations that usually push us over the edge. We write a list of situations that trigger anger in us, for example, two consecutive red lights at traffic lights or a chatty colleague who does not let us work. For each situation, we also write whether it angers us in itself or is only a reason for an outburst of anger that has accumulated elsewhere. Then we have to answer the question to ourselves, how we could have acted differently at that time, so that we would not get angry. So next time we are faced with a known trigger of anger, we are more likely to react more calmly.

When the cause of the anger is a person (being careful not to confuse someone who is just an easy target with someone who is the real cause of the anger), it is necessary to resolve the problem directly with them in a peaceful way. The first rule is to face the problem, not the person. Politely tell her where it hurts about her and how it makes you feel. Say that it’s the problem that makes you feel that way, not the problem itself, which will help create a common ground between you. It’s important to understand each other’s points of view, so let each person present their perspective on the problem without being interrupted by the other. Then identify the points on which you do not agree. Don’t debate these differences, just agree to disagree. Only the next step is to find solutions.

Don’t limit yourself with suggestions and ideas – no matter how unachievable they seem to you, list as many of them as you can, just don’t attack the other. The last step is the most sensitive: finding a solution that will suit both of us or be the least uncomfortable. It’s important that you both give in and acknowledge each other’s effort for this. You should not have unrealistic expectations at this step, because the final solution will probably not be a dream for either of you, but the compromise will most likely be better than the anger that the problem has created. Whatever agreement you make, stick to it, but don’t react violently to small violations.

Nerds with a short ignition cord

Do you already wake up in the morning with a kind of nagging expectation, what will be the first thing that annoys you today? Do you rage like it’s the end of the world because of a driver who forced the right of way in front of you, spilled coffee, or, say, the price of gasoline? Do you feel that others are constantly wronging you, deliberately ignoring you, scorning you, insulting you, doing everything wrong, or in some other way calling for your anger?

If the answers are yes, then you’re a short-circuited grump, and the reasons for this are varied. You may be naturally inclined to do so.

It used to be said that it was simply a choleric temperament, but today such a simplistic view has survived. However, it is believed that people who experience both good and bad emotions very strongly, are impulsive, have a low level of self-control and generally always look outside themselves for the causes of bad things that happen to them are more prone to irritability. But they often get angry, albeit more quietly, even perfectionists. Children who have not yet done their homework, a red sock that was washed among the white laundry, a crumpled shirt on the floor and similar things greatly irritate these people who constantly strive for perfection and impose such standards on others.

The violent expression of anger was not necessarily born in your cradle, but you were able to learn it. If you were able to impose your will on your parents as a toddler with tantrums, you learned that expressing your anger out loud is a successful way to achieve your goals. It’s also more likely that you don’t know how to resolve disputes in the most diplomatic way if, as a child, you watched plates fly through the air and even punches fall during your parents’ arguments.

As we mentioned in one of the previous articles, old unresolved problems and other emotions such as dissatisfaction, guilt, shame and fear can be hidden behind chronic anger. So it seems that you are angry about little things like stocked car keys, but this is only a trigger and opens the floodgates of anger that is simmering because of a bad relationship with someone, for example.

Rise above yourself

Most people who are famous for choleric outbursts do not want to behave this way and are not proud of it. They are usually ashamed of it later because they know it doesn’t reflect the best they can be. The good news is that you can change if you want to. Patterns of behavior that have a negative effect on you, your loved ones, friends, colleagues and even complete strangers can be slowly abandoned and replaced with more suitable ones with plenty of practice.

These will eventually grow into a habit that will no longer require conscious effort. But it’s a long and hard road to get there. The most effective way to suppress anger in the long term is through self-awareness and self-control, both of which take a lot of time and effort to develop. To put it simply, self-awareness means that we correctly understand our feelings and thoughts while they are happening and their causes, while self-control means that we can put a leash on them at will and think about what we will say or do. It sounds simple, but it’s not: many people express anger without even realizing it, let alone controlling it.

To strengthen self-awareness, try to become mindful for a moment every time you get angry and analyze the emotion that is overwhelming you and the accompanying thoughts. This has two immediate benefits, as it will automatically cool your anger a bit, and it will also put you in a more objective role as an observer of what is happening rather than just involved. It will be easier to recognize anger in critical moments if you first, when you are calm, study how you usually react to it.

Write down on a piece of paper what most often gets you on your nerves and how you behave: do you shout, curse, insult, kick, hurl words, are you physically aggressive towards others or towards yourself, etc. By making such a list, you will be able to recognize the signs of an impending tantrum next time at a crucial moment. Self-awareness also includes recognizing the deeper causes that may be behind your irritability. If you manage to catch them by the tail through thorough internal questioning and express them (for example, tell about them to a confidant or pour them out on paper), this will reduce their power and, in turn, the power of the anger.

The next step is self-control, which means that you not only recognize the negative emotion, but also take action against it. There are many techniques for this that may seem a little silly at first, but the fact is that they will become more and more effective over time if you stick with them. Every time you feel like you’re about to erupt, try slowly counting to ten. It sounds simple and naive, but in many cases it works. When you get to ten, the anger of the bullies will dissipate so that you won’t be tempted to chase them. Instead, you can close your eyes and imagine a beautiful landscape in your mind. The second method is to simply step away from the source of your anger for a few minutes, which is usually another person.

In between, turn on some music, go for a walk, or curse under your breath. When you’re calmer, come back and express your anger with words – but don’t be too harsh.

The highest level of self-control is a more constructive approach to expressing anger. Before you say anything, think about what you’re going to say and write down the words if necessary. That way, you won’t stray from the main topic of the dispute and you won’t be led into hurling insults. Avoid blaming and criticizing all the time, but have a calm conversation, focusing on fixing the problems that ignited the anger rather than the cause of the anger. Use humor as well, as this will make the situation less tense. Just don’t be sarcastic, it can only make matters worse. Finally, one more piece of advice: don’t hold grudges, those who know how to forgive also take the burden off their shoulders.