RCS – Business Default

I can’t say no, even when I don’t want to do something.

A person often comes to a psychologist for a consultation and describes his problem like this: “I don’t know how to say no, even when I don’t want to do something.” Who among us has not had the experience of being asked something that we didn’t do? could refuse, forced us to change our plans, sacrifice our principles and do something we have never done before, and that only because, as usual, we ourselves agreed to something?

In the end, we are usually angry with ourselves, with our weakness and with the one who knew exactly that we would not refuse the request. In addition, very often a feeling of guilt remains because we did not complete the task.

Are you perhaps a good soul who does not know how to deny anything to anyone?

Or are you an altruist who hangs a ton of other people’s problems on yourself? Perhaps indeed. Or maybe you don’t value yourself enough and just don’t want to be a bad person.

What role does our self-image play?

We know that an individual’s self-image is formed already in childhood, and later it depends on how we were accepted by our relatives and parents. If you were loved from the very beginning just for who you are, your self-acceptance will be high. When such a person grows up, he will be confident in his behavior and principles, so he can calmly afford to be “bad”. Such a person does not need to prove anything to anyone.

A child who grew up in “conditional love” from childhood, in love for something, will grow into a person with a slightly different self-image. Such a child begins to understand early that love “for nothing” does not exist. If a man does something good, he will be good and will be loved. Therefore, even in childhood, he must constantly prove that he is worthy of love, attention and respect, and when he grows up, the most important thing for him is the approval of those around him. He is so insecure that he will comply with any request so as not to be seen as selfish.

Self-esteem is not to be trifled with, as it is very difficult to correct it in adults. How nice it would be if you were independent of the opinions of others! Somehow it would still work if we paid attention only to the opinion of loved ones, friends or those we respect; but if we depend just as much on the opinion of people whom we do not respect and even despise, this is really not good.

The way to knowing how to deny something to someone.

An important step on the way to knowing how to say no to someone without fear of getting a “bad grade” for behavior is to realize that we are simply being manipulated. This means that consciously or unconsciously, intuitively, they target our weak points and force us to do something for their own benefit, while sticking to old ways. They can shrink all our weak strings to a minimum, so that only three remain – as on the simplest stringed instruments – and extract from them heavy, classical sounds as during a drama.

The first part of the play is called This is sacred.

Show me a man who would not respond to a request disguised by the interests of children, old people, the sick, orphans and the disabled. In glorifying these global and sacred problems, however, we forget that the motives of the supplicant manipulator are sometimes very far from sacred.

The second part of the drama is titled Mercy.

You may have noticed that to the standard question, “How are you?”, some people respond with “Fine!” or “Great!”, while others will list all their 33 misfortunes. But why is it that something bad always happens to some people in their lives, which everyone is familiar with, but who else will silently fight with exactly such problems themselves and will not burden others with them? Practice has shown that the amount of problems in all people is evenly distributed. Statistics show that every three to five years something happens in our lives: parents grow old, children grow up, the car is no longer drivable, our favorite jobs are in the top of our heads. When a complaining manipulator asks you to take part in solving his problems, you forget about the equality of all before fate and rush to help.

The third part is called We Are Friends.

You really can’t deny your friends help – because that’s what true friendship is all about. It would not be amiss to remember that a true friend will not always rush to you with a request which, as he knows very well, would burden you greatly and would not be in accordance with your interests and principles. A friend respects your interests as well as his own.

What to do?

If you suspect that you are being manipulated, and you don’t want to play the good guy anymore, but “no” still can’t come out of your mouth, you can simplify the task with a simple grip.

It is enough to look the manipulator in the face, and all the parts of his drama will be shown to you in the right light. Try to defend with his game. If he tells you about his problems, complain about yours in response, because you have plenty of tearful material in store; if he reminds you of your friendship, tell him that he will probably, like a true friend, refuse his request himself. Then a real manipulator will show anger, aggression and resentment, and it will no longer be difficult to deny something to such a person.