RCS – Business Default

In a panic, the wife quickly threw some clothes and documents into the car

 and sat her son next to her in the first seat. He was eleven years old and

 sadness settled in his eyes. Behind the mirror frame

 she left me a note: You totally ruined us! I broke down. On

 profactors. But more on that later. It echoed all the time:

 You totally ruined us!

 I never saw them again. All the blame rested on me. That I am

 lied to her all the years of our life together, cheated on her, that I exploited her,

 that I was violent, that I beat her. The fact that I’m not even up to my son

 able to be good for more than two, three years after his birth. Pol

 I spent years in psychiatry, barely, barely recovering.

 Soon after, a childhood friend suggested I give it a try

 work as a volunteer. I thought he was crazy when he believed that

 i will be able to. I was totally floored.

 In the beginning it was difficult, very difficult, because you are hidden behind the phone, just

 you’re not used to listening, you’re not used to really hearing. Because it’s about

 big difference. Because if you’re really not there, if you don’t start from the clearing,

 then you listen but you don’t hear. There must be that crisis even earlier, that one

 the feeling that things are slipping out of your hands, you try, you struggle, but you can’t

 Nevermind. Because if you haven’t felt this complete helplessness, then it’s not

 you can really feel it. And that’s what it’s about. To flow, to break through. No

 I know why so many words, for the third year in a row I am working on confidential

 on the phone, help in times of need. I have no right to expose

 all these conversations, but I have to, at least some of them that burn me

 into the heart. This recording will not be anything beautiful, just let this dark one shine

 side. The most human thing is in the pain of collapse.

That’s when you realize how superficial you are, how petty, how

 it’s pointless chasing after crumbs until it hits you

 death, illness, awareness of death, only then do you realize how you live

 into the void. Of course, there were preparations and exercises before, but the essence is in

 listening. I remember well the first call, scared,

 in the almost childlike voice of a woman who has broken, who has been broken:

 I have been in a safe house seven times, you know how it is, I have two children,

 quite small, because you understand me, you know how it is, I don’t have a job,

 I don’t have an apartment, I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s not when it hits,

 when she cries, that waiting is killing us, especially the baby, my darling

 child, I really don’t know, and that this hell will never end, just the end

 what I would do if they weren’t there, I would hang myself, jump into the river, under the car,

 you cut your veins, took pills, just to be saved from this hell,

 because he is a maniac, a fool, I could tell right from the first months, but the way

 there is no, no real way out of this trap, it’s my own fault, that’s for sure

 alone, I’m fine, only now she’s beating her daughter, she’s not even five years old, you know how

 it’s like ripping my heart out, let him hit me, I’ll take it, just

 leave the child alone, that’s all I’m asking God, or kill me,

 that everything will end once and for all…

 In one breath, I barely greeted her. She didn’t even expect it

 said a word if he could find it. The shaking, shaking ones

 voice, sadness and despair. I can’t forget him because he reminded me,

 so much of it. How I tortured, terrorized and beat for many years

 my wife, how I destroyed the only thing of value and

 saint in my life, family. But I have to go back.

 I remember when my mother and I lived alone. I was never a father

 knew, we didn’t talk about our father until we were 15. I remember

 of many men coming and going. I called everyone

 uncle and only a few were with us for more than a month or two. Mom,

 it was like she was being cheated over and over again. No, she didn’t

 above me, but she lived in her own world. There were extremes, they were

 her overwhelming energy and her despondency.

But she never left me

 next to him to really feel warmth, security and love. Sam,

 single, I played for hours and hours, days and days at garages on

 yard. I was a lonely child. Later, when I grew up, me

 It’s a shame that she wasn’t at least considerate of me enough to make all these visits

 hid my uncles from me or embellished them with lies. No, she is

 always hit live. And when I waited for her several times in front of Illyria, when

 I saw it in the factory yard, so round, burning

 looking out from under her curly, wavy hair, I wondered: who

 is this a woman And I remember the sweet strength he gave me

 prepared every day. We were forced to live together, but you never did

 we were not close.

I don’t know where the fault is in me, that I don’t have enough love to

 the men stayed by my side. I remember my mother, who is twelve

 worked for hours in the Tobacco Factory and I hardly ever saw her with a man.

 I remember her hump, which got bigger after she turned 40

 and bigger. I never wanted a baby, but when it happened, I just didn’t

 she had an abortion. I was not raised Catholic, even though I was baptized

 and at confirmation. It happened that men only saw me temporarily

 solution, sweetheart for a month, two. I know I shouldn’t, just when he was

 my son was still small, I soaked the center of the bread in wine for him. I’m in the evening

 she bathed him like that and he fell asleep instantly. Then I wasn’t afraid when I was

 went to Budapest or Lovac. But I rarely got drunk. The one

 For years, I didn’t feel any fatigue after the shift. Later on,

 how many times have I watched him playing alone in the yard for hours and hours.

 I remember that he himself asked for bread soaked in wine. Močnika,

 he said. I remember him waking up in the middle of the night and going out to drink

 water under the faucet in the hallway. Then I remember that I am with everyone

 she hoped the man would stay with us. Uncle was calling them. I know, never

 I wasn’t, I don’t know, a beauty, they just didn’t complain in bed

 above me. I didn’t hate my son, but he was an obstacle for me. When he asked for

 to my father, I didn’t answer him. The man who spent two nights with me

 I didn’t even know his name. I remember when my mother caught me

 under the bridge with the married neighbor. She dragged me home by my hair

 woodsheds. And then she took a meter-long wooden log from the pile and pounded it

 according to me. But I will not keep a prostitute under my roof, she kept repeating. And

 punched and punched me until I fell unconscious. Both clavicles under

 she broke my neck. That alone can’t be the reason men like me

 were leaving all the time. I wasn’t good at school and that’s how I started at the age of 16

 to work as an ordinary worker in a warehouse and later in a packing house. Mine

 father, as far as I can remember him, because he died when I was six years old, he is

 was many years older than my mother. At almost 70, they got me. It is

 previously had family in Croatia and adult children, that’s not the only issue

 dare to speak.

All I know is that the neighbors teased him by being under his mother’s thumb

 threw cigarette butts. Although she worked in Tobačna, she did not smoke. These are

 only doing it to make my aging father jealous. And I remember

 how scared I was peeking from behind the closed door when she had to

 mom lays down on the bed and lifts the skirt. He took a wide leather one

 the belt of his pants and beat her. Slowly, thoughtfully, it is an iron clip

 butcher live meat. Only mom only moaned, never cried.

 And by that moan I knew when he was thrashing her. Like an animal. That’s why I am

 after I grew up, if the man was a brawler, I immediately showed him

 door. And to be honest, there were a lot of them who I said yes

 they do not return. They were one-night stands. They are the ones I would want by my side

 were leaving. And so I was left alone with my son. I remember when mom

 took the disease literally overnight. I helped her change.

 Dead.